There is no shortage of articles on the internet that attempt to explain what women are looking for in relationships. But there are also many articles that purport to list what a woman is REALLY looking for, as if there were some deep and forbidden knowledge that only clickbait can provide.

Here, I have taken 15 list-based articles from 15 different websites and compared their entries with the power of a spreadsheet. When the lists are put on the same page, some common threads of advice pop out. In other words, I am answering the question: what do women really REALLY want? Here are the top 8 common themes.

Oh hey, a woman! I wonder what she wants. (Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash)

The research method

For this project, I used a highly technical method called a “Google search”, looking for listicles (list-based articles) that featured the word “really” in some prominent way. The spreadsheet used for this project is available here: LINK

Here are a few notes before we get to the boiled-down list entries:

First, the articles are written for an audience of men. The articles generally make the assumption that the titular women are looking to start or improve relationships with a man. This, of course, assumes that the women fit into certain relationship statuses and certain categories of attraction (e.g., heterosexual, or otherwise potentially interested in the man reading the article). These assumptions are not the correct assumptions for everyone.

Second, the articles were mostly written by non-experts — people without higher education — although some were written by experts with degrees. This means that some of the lists were written off of the top of the author’s head (“Oh, I saw a woman once!”), while others were actually based on research. I have marked which articles are which in the spreadsheet. And in case you’re curious, I’m part of the latter category, although my advanced degree has nothing to do with relationships specifically. However, before publishing, I did show this article to a researcher with an advanced degree in a more relevant subject, and to my fiancee. They also happen to be the same person.

Third, this meta-article isn’t a scientific study, because I used my own judgment when it came to deciding what to include and how to categorize. There were some weird twists and turns deep in the Google search results. For example, multiple lists turned out to be paid advertisements for a brand of watch. One list put “Commit to Jesus” as the capstone, beyond “Show that your relationship is a priority” — so that list didn’t make it into the spreadsheet. As such, this list should not be taken more seriously scientifically than any of the component lists that I Frankensteined into this glorious creature that you read before you.

Okay, now let’s look at…

What women really REALLY want from men.

1. Communication/Listening Skills

By FAR the most common theme in these lists was the theme of effective and frequent communication. You know how when you talk to a friend about how you should approach a relationship problem, and they inevitably tell you that you need to “talk to her”? Yeah, that.

Say some of the things that you are thinking out loud, and participate in interesting discussions together. Share events from your life in conversation, even on days when it feels like nothing truly spectacular happened. Give opinions when wanted by the other person; even if you don’t feel strongly one way or the other, making an effort to weigh in on the options makes the other person feel valued. And importantly, attempt to be on the same page when it comes to the rules of the relationship by talking about them.

More specific than communication was the desire for listening skills: the ability to know when to not talk and just listen. Being able to tell when a partner in a relationship is looking for advice, versus when they are just looking to vent, is a valuable skill. In other words, have you considered talking to women and listening to what they independently have to say about what they want instead of reading articles about what women in general want?

2. Integrity

What does integrity mean? It’s a combination of honesty, being trustworthy, and taking responsibility in situations that call for it. A woman needs to be cautious about trusting a man until he earns that trust, because some of us are ax murderers, and she doesn't know which ones.

Having moral principles and keeping promises are the bedrock of any good relationship, romantic or not. For example (and this sounds obvious when you say it out loud) if you say that you are going to do something, then you need to actually do that thing.

Knowing that a man will take predictable and timely actions with no need for constant reminders improves her life in many ways. It allows for her to share responsibilities that a life partnership inevitably brings about, whether it is sharing property, caring for the lives of others, or even making financial decisions. Even small things like showing up on time for events (read: before the event starts) can mean a lot when it comes to impressions of integrity.

3. Show Love

In a romantic relationship, women want to know that they are loved. Sure, you can say “I love you” in thousands of different words, but actions taken are louder and more believable and will make her feel much more secure and wanted. Especially if the actions taken are specific to her own unique self, and not generic romantic gestures. Flowers are good, but can you remember that she prefers house plants because they won't wilt and die? Chocolate is fine, but can you take the hint that sometimes she needs to fill up a desk drawer with KitKats, and she can’t do that with one of those heart-shaped boxes?

Showing love through actions taken doesn't need to be expensive (although it certainly can be). Combine this with listening skills to discover what she wants and likes, and then find ways to bring her closer to those things or at least show her that you were paying attention when she said it. For example, when you get her a gift, use it as an opportunity to show that you remember something about her that she shared with you. What weird dreams has she had lately? What’s something that she hasn’t done in forever that she used to love? Where’s a place that she’s never been to but would love to go (read: don’t just kidnap her and take her there, there’s a process here)?

4. Give Her Your Time

This one is about as straightforward as it can get. Spend time together, both when the activity is enjoyable and when it isn’t, like when doing chores. If you’re busy people (and who isn’t) you can schedule some small things here and there, like taking walks, watching a movie, or having a new experience together. When you schedule big things like trips or events, show her that you’ve thought about the little details like weather, scheduling, and that extra tube of chapstick in your car because they are very easy to accidentally leave somewhere.

Mundane events like cleaning up after cooking can be made into enjoyable moments if you can joke around together or talk about what you’re thinking with each other — instead of declaring that it is one person’s “turn” to clean up today. If you walk in on her completing a chore, join in for a few minutes and touch base with her. It won’t cost you anything but time, and it will mean a lot to her. Show her that you are choosing to spend time with her, and make what would otherwise be super boring “filler” time in her life into meaningful inside jokes, stories, and demonstrations of teamwork.

You can still have time to yourself after sharing some with her; you don't need to spend every single moment together. Be honest about your needs when it comes to scheduling, such as if you need some alone time or time with friends. But nothing compares to the gift of time when you want to show someone that you do truly care about them. Especially if you use that time to cook for them.

5. Empathy

Empathy is the ability to feel and understand other people’s feelings, and to act in a way that is mindful of those feelings. It can be a visceral response, like feeling pain when you see someone suffering, or an action-y type response, like donating money to charity. It shows a complex mind that can consider the perspectives of others, and a capacity for caring about the welfare of others.

Besides adopting every homeless small animal in your city, there are other ways to show that you possess empathy. For example, when you disagree with someone, you can show that you’re capable of understanding where they are coming from and why they think differently than you. When discussing a sad event, showing the fact that it makes you feel sad too is a powerful form of communication.

In a long-term relationship, the two of you will probably interact with many people, and if the two of you work together to try and understand how other people are thinking and feeling, you’ll be able to be on the same page while you navigate those social obstacles together. Some of those interactions, such as with young people and animals, can be great opportunities to show empathy and other positive skills like patience. Other interactions are great opportunities to show that you can take the perspective of others, like when you get cut off by a speeding car on the freeway. Remarking that “he must be speeding to the hospital to see his pregnant wife” is probably more positive than describing exactly which of your golf clubs you are going to beat that guy about the balls with.

6. Have Goals

A person who thinks about the future and can delay gratification instead of giving in to pleasure in the immediate moment is material for a great long-term relationship. If it’s a short term relationship that you are going for, it’s probably fine if your goal is to see exactly how much pleasure you can cram into one evening, but that approach doesn’t exactly scream “stability.”

Passion for the things you do in life is attractive, and the discipline and intelligence needed to set and achieve realistic goals are as well. Additionally, it is good to have goals because women do too. If these lists weren’t specific to romantic relationships, “to achieve her goals” would belong at the top of the list of what women want.

When both members of a couple have interests and goals in their lives, they give each other additional drive to pursue and achieve those goals. It’s like being a member of a team, even if the goals don’t align perfectly. Giving validation to each other's goals is an excellent way to build a trusting and mutually beneficial bond with each other.

7. A Man who takes Care with his Looks

Caring about your looks is different than being an attractive person. Even a man who isn’t automatically a looker can still show the woman in his life that he is taking steps to try and look his best. There are always a few things here and there that a guy can do to spruce himself up, whether it’s changing the way he wears his hair, switching to separate shampoo and conditioners instead of 2-in-1, or taking a bit of extra time in the morning to groom his facial hair — maybe even including his eyebrows. I didn’t mean for all three of those examples to be about hair, and yet here we are.

Trying to look good demonstrates that he wants to show the best possible side of the relationship off to the world. Optics are important to a woman, and for good reason: they are closely linked to social status. The man she dates influences her reputation. If she dates a slob, then that reflects on her that she is a slob or is okay with messiness.

Additionally, it is worth keeping in mind that looks are subjective. Get her opinion when you are considering buying new clothing or accessories. You don’t need to throw out your old wardrobe, but involving her in trying to make you look good shows that you value her opinions — and who knows? Maybe she’ll end up more willing to dress up in the way that you want her to, too.

8. It’s Not JUST about Sex

Being “giving with sex” and being sexually “passionate” both showed up on multiple lists, but what tops even those ideas is the idea that the man is willing to participate in activities that have nothing to do with sex. Or, that he’ll enjoy activities that slowly lead up to sex in a romantic (and patient) way.

What men need to keep in mind when it comes to sex and women is that sex is kinda sorta horrifying when you think about it. It’s more dangerous for women than it is for men, and not just for the aforementioned potential ax murderer reason. Trusting another human to put things inside of you can be really uncomfortable and weird, okay? Not to mention the navigation of the potential aggressiveness of your partner, the emotions that come with oxytocin’s effects in the brain, and the biological fact that women tend to be smaller and weaker in muscular strength than men. And we haven’t even mentioned pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections and the fact that a lot of men don’t seem to care that much about whether a woman enjoys herself during sex.

That’s a lot of things to potentially worry about. So sometimes, taking sex off of the table for the evening or making sure to really take time to warm up and go at it slowly can make a woman relax and enjoy the relationship a hell of a lot more.

But that doesn't mean that consensual crazy break-the-bed sex isn't important! According to the lists, there is a place in a woman’s fantasy relationship for aggressive and assertive sex, but not as an all-the-time thing. In a long-term relationship, the slow romantic stuff should outshine the animalistic passion — although the raw passion should definitely happen if both are in the mood for it.

Runner-ups:

Mentioned in many of the articles, but not enough to make this list: Humor, Intelligence, People Skills, Awareness, Partnership, Stability, and Vulnerability.

The Takeaway

I’m going to end by saying the same thing that was said to me in a completely random fashion by the cashier at the video game shop when I was a young teenager browsing the shelves. He was talking to some other adults behind the counter, and then suddenly he turned and looked at me and said “Always respect women, kid. Before anything else, they are people. Women are people, not some kind of crazy alien. You got that, kid?”

I don't remember what I said in reply, but I think I just nodded. I still remember that moment because it was something that had never really been stated so obviously to me before.

But even if it should be obvious, it goes against what men are taught from media and other men. That women are irreconcilably different. That they are a nearly impenetrable mystery that you will have to work at your entire life in order to penetrate (pun intended). That there are secrets to women whispered only by internet articles.

But as it turns out, they are people — people who have been telling men what they want all along. To be treated like an individual person with unique interests and values. And how could a list possibly capture that?